SBGradMag Stony Brook's Graduate Student Magazine

Several people were injured on Wednesday night as four Irish Car Bombs went off at the Country Corner on 25A. The drivers, believed to be under the influence of alcohol, were unidentified. President Shirley Strum Kenny and Dean Lawrence Martin both spoke out against Wednesday’s events.

“The University grieves today for those young people who participated in that round… Thank goodness no one was killed,” said the President in a press release posted on the University website. Dean Martin told the GradMag, “This is a travesty. It is a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.” It is rumored that Martin may have been involved in Car Bombs in the past.

Administration officials at first thought that President Kenny may have been among the injured, and one administrator could be heard screaming, “Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards!” Later it was discovered that the President was safe in her Sunwood estate.

The bartender, nursing a bottle of MacCallan 10 year stashed away in the back room, was not harmed. He is being investigated, however, for possibly providing the materials used in Wednesday’s blast. Correspondents say the attack could further destabilize the Corner, which was embroiled in a political conflict after temporarily eliminating their Armenian menu. While the pro-West Armenian bloc and pro-Turkey opposition agree that the menu should be restored to break a political impasse, the factions cannot agree on the mix of spices used in the formation of a new Armenian burger.

Several graduate students were at the scene from Math, History, English, Sociology, and Anthropology. Provost Eric Kaler pointed out that those departments were particularly hard hit by the hiring freeze and suggested that the bombings may have been an attempt to derail the freeze. SBU Police Chief, Doug Little, was more direct, “These actions are of a political nature and they must be stopped. The perpetrators will not get away.”

In other news, The GSO Senate hibernates for the winter after listening to two guys in blue shirts talking about on campus transportation and the Mitchell Report makes Andy Pettite trade his kingdom for a horse.