Let's just put it right out there. This issue of the GradMag is racy-it's the sex issue, what did you expect? This will be addressed directly, head-on; we will not only release the elephant in the room but we shall entice it to rampage. Here we go:
Climax, cunnilingus, shaft, grannies, trannies, bears, furries, milf, dilf, bdsm, bukake, bbw, the horizontal tango, the wild-thing, the beast with two backs, gettin' it on, making love, I call it messin' with the kid.
Now I have blown my proverbial load. Some parts of the catalogue listed above are forms of sexual expression that deviate from the American normative system. Perhaps this is a direct repercussion from the sexual repression of America. A Puritanical foundation sprinkled with some antiquated Victorian ideals and you have the Molotov cocktail that is pent-up sexual aggression. Just think about the fifties-an anti-climax of sexual repression, if you will-where the norms were so clean and chaste but domestic violence and alcoholism ran rampant beneath the surface. It was the repression of the fifties that shaped the response of the sixties; sex, drugs, rock'n'roll, liberation, sex, revolution. Did I mention sex? I hope I mentioned sex; this article is supposed to be about sex, but the problem is that I'm chaste. Not by choice, mind you. I mean, it's a decision between at least two parties and lately...well it's a long story. The point is that I'm no monk. Given the right circumstances I would be having sex right now. So, am I repressed? Will this thing grow in me like an alter-ego, developing fetishes for the strange or spectacular and when released manifest itself in a desire to wear oversized plush animal costumes? (My apologies to any furries reading this article-do your thing man, at least you're gettin' some.) No, that can't be right. That's a simplification of the psychology; again, not that it's wrong, but I think it's linked much deeper than a dry spell.
During said dry spell, though, there is a bit of suffering. Some become preoccupied with the presence of abstinence. There is an accumulation of sexual thoughts and feelings that have no release. It creates a gathering coitus quagmire. The human libido is an amazing thing-our sex drive, as a means, validates the mortal flesh of our being. Through copulation we pass the genetic characteristics of ourselves into the next generation, securing our immortality. It's important. That's why it's so much fun, because nature needs people to do it. This is the dissemination of genetic information, and it is responsible for the perpetuation of the species. The increase in repressed desires relates exponentially to the amount of time spent repressed, so the longer you go the heavier the preoccupation becomes.
At this point in the article I could take it one of two ways:
1) Rain Dances: Variations on Contemporary American Mating Rituals.
2) Redirecting Repression: Notes on the Cathartic Processes of the Contemporary Subject.
I chose number two for practical reasons. Why would anyone listen to dating advice from someone who admitted to being in a slump?
There are certain activities that can overpower your preoccupation with sex; only, perhaps, for a limited time but what grad student has anything but limited time? Frankly, I feel like I already have a significant other. Her name is Thesis (I think it's Greek). But there are moments even with the pace of graduate level study where messin' with the kid is not only possible but downright called for. I'm talking about those Thursday nights when all you have the next day is office hours that no one comes to anyway. Those Sunday mornings when staying in bed could be, well, staying in bed. Those moments when you realize that you've been reading so long you can no longer comprehend a string of words and need something else to do. For those kinds of moments there are replacements, proxies of the sacred act that not only distract the mind but also offer some form of release. It's called the internet, google it.
I don't mean to implicate the pornographic as a replacement for actual human contact. If anything, pornography is a lonely substitute offering only empty pleasure. What I mean to say is that of the millions of sites on the internet there are a couple that have nothing at all to do with sex; they can be extremely entertaining, informative, they can facilitate social networking, and of course some may simply insult your intelligence. I came across this little number and it killed about 25 minutes of sexy time:
http://listverse.com/bizarre/top-10-incredible-recordings/
Here's another gem of a website. This guy is certifiable; the more you browse his site the more convinced you are of his state of psychosis.
The viral video is a great distraction from your celibacy. Have you seen two girls one cup? Talk about a counterattack to the erotic, after watching it you won't want to have sex for a long time. I wouldn't suggest it, personally I can't get past the first movement, but there are scores of "reaction" videos for this sensual atrocity where a subject is recorded watching the video. You get to share vicariously in the spectacle; giggle at the way people are freaked out by the imagery without the threat of the images themselves being imprinted in the inexhaustible confines of your mind. Or worse, adding to the growing impasse of sexual imagery cued for release at some future point, floating amongst the memories and desires already piled in your psyche.
Without the sexually themed derivatives, the viral video as a medium of entertainment provides an immediate spectatorial release. The viral video offers four thousand versions of "guy gets hit in genitals," and I laugh every time. Categories of the viral video include cute animals, amazing feats of strength or agility, brushes with death, and parodies of everything. If you can find three or maybe four sites that actively post new videos than you have tapped into a video circuit that will research for you. These sites all seem to adhere to an unwritten code for the evaluation of the viral video and they actively appraise new videos against the standard. Those deemed worthy are placed within the dialogue of video sharing and with but three or four entry points into this dialogue you can stay abreast of the latest amazing dog-trick, street performance, or practical joke.
There are, of course, other means of cathartic release. How about exercise? We all knew that was coming, but me praising the merits of exercise is akin to me giving dating advice. Right now I'm a grad student, it's time consuming; I have the rest of my life to be healthy. So in the mean time how about I sing the merits of smoking. It thins the blood, releases endorphins, eases the pulse and temperment of the smoker; also, as a smoker your cells have developed nicotine receptor sites, why would you deprive your body of the things it desires? Do you see what I've done here? Talked myself into a corner, I Have. That's a physiological double standard between the denial of the very physical carnal desire and acquiescing to the physical demands of cellular structure. Moving on.
Sex is the greatest form of non-verbal communication. It is a performance, an expression of the your innermost desire, a reflection of the very essence of you, the binding of (at least) two bodies and souls in an intertwining mutual act of desire and pleasure. Then again, it's just sex.
If you happen to be a carnal-bibliophile, well, thanks for reading. If you wrote and I did that, then I bet I would do it to you too.
I take no responsibility for the content found on the internet or in the suggested sites/videos. Be warned: They call it "doin' the nasty" for a reason. The meek, the innocent, and those with heart conditions should not ride the internet.
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